Have I ever been “in love”? No (Oh geez, I swear I’m not Josie Geller from Never Been Kissed)
See my post on vulnerability for more. But for me for a very long time I feared that opening myself up to someone, sharing my life, letting someone in was just an invitation for rejection and hurt. I also didn’t want to compromise my career path, my education, or anything I had planned for my future for the sake of a relationship. I was focused on one thing—my career success. So I kept myself walled off, whenever someone wanted to get close, I instinctively backed away, not willing to open up because, in truth, I judged those who compromised for love.
I have witnessed many different forms of love. Some manipulative and controlling, some loving and affectionate. Some “old-fashioned”, some progressive.
Has someone said “I love you” to me. Yes. Have I been the non-responding party? Yikes…yes. I haven’t let myself go there. I feared losing myself with someone else. I didn’t want to give up my independence, who I am as a person. (I know by this point everyone has their own judgment of me and that’s fine. haha)
When my career came tumbling down, so did the picture perfect ideal that I had for my life. I find it so funny that when we are young we are so idealistic. “I’ll be married by 26, have kids by 28, blah blah blah.” I find it funny now as I hit 30 that I have none of those things and yet I am perfectly content.
Platonic. Romantic. It doesn’t matter. I am finally open and receptive to love, however it may find me. I am not looking for it, but I am also no longer rejecting it. I honestly think taking time to love myself over the past couple of years has been a requisite to whatever comes next, and I welcome it, whether it is more time by myself, or time with someone else. Who knows what the future holds…god knows I don’t?
(For those who don’t know… I am doing “30 days to 30” and sharing life lessons and stories in order to celebrate my birthday—hoping to break stigmas and stereotypes about what 30 means and looks like)